“Where did she come from?” “Is she adopted?” “She’s so cute!” “Can I touch her hair?” “How do you do her hair?” “Is she yours?” These are only a few of the comments and questions that my family hears constantly.
Our adoption path is a little different from many of the families we have met in our adoption group. When we were embarking on our journey we had not realized that we would become a minority among families of adoption. I did not realize that adopting trans-racially through the Child Welfare System, specifically The State of Illinois Department of Family Services (DCFS), was not that common.
My husband and I were happily married and the proud parents of an 8 year old biological son when the nagging thoughts refused to dissipate; we wanted to grow our family. Not clear on how we wanted to do it but after much discussion, decided that adoption would be a great solution for us. We reviewed all the options about how we would add to our family. There are a lot of choices: private adoption through an adoption attorney or through an agency, domestic or international. The amount of choices seemed confusing at first Because of some volunteer work with a Child Welfare Agency called Child Link. I had learned of the magnitude of children needing homes right here in Chicago and how changes in the laws for foster children made it easier for parents to adopt these children.
Foster care is the temporary placement by the Department of Children and Family Services of children outside their home due to abandonment, neglect/abuse or dependency amongst other situations. Placing a child in substitute care is not intended to be a permanent living arrangement, but protects the child with the ultimate goal of returning a child home. For many of these kids, the goal of returning home is never attained. When it is not possible to return the child home safely, the Department seeks a new goal of adoption. According to the DCFS Illinois website, DCFS has taken steps to reduce the number of children in foster care and expedite permanency with families so children do not “age out” of foster care. (Spending their lives until 18 years old in foster care) In 1997, there were 51,331 Illinois children living in substitute care. Because of an increased emphasis on early intervention and permanency services such as adoption, that number has declined to 16,160 children in June 1997. A big change.
Of course, early on we had so many questions! We started going through the “What if’s?” and other questions like: “Why doesn’t everyone do this knowing of the need?”; “What’s the catch?”; “What if they don’t call us for years and then it is too late because we feel we are too old and the moment has passed?”; “Could we take more than one child?”; “Could we handle special needs?”; “Does race matter to us?”; “What if the mom comes back?”; “What age would we choose?” It started to be overwhelming but then we stopped ourselves and realized that until we actually went through the process of getting licensed in the State of Illinois, we wouldn’t ever be in the position to make any of these decisions.
By moving forward with a “first things first” approach, the whole process seemed so much easier for us. I thought “okay, we will go through these classes, find out what we are in for, and learn more about the foster care system. After that we will consider adopting through foster care and get our license. If we then decide that the particular situations presented to us don’t fit our family, we won’t have to take a child, and would have no regrets. But until we get our licenses and are in a position where we can answer a phone call and make a choice, we are just talking. So we decided to press on.”
To adopt from foster care in the State of Illinois, both parents need to become licensed foster parents in the state. That usually involves completing about 30 hours of trainings and classes. In addition to these training classes, there are medical forms, reference checks, criminal background checks and many other applications to go along with them. This process could take anywhere from two to four months. It mirrors the adoptive home studies that are required by adoption agencies with a Parent Training component.
We decided that I would attend my Foster Pride (training) classes two nights a week for about 5 or so weeks and my husband, Jim, would attend some Saturdays 9-5 (double sessions) to complete his hours. Splitting up our attendance in the classes meant we could avoid costly babysitting arrangements and be more present for our biological son.
We had to choose an agency. We chose Child Link because they were familiar to us and have a great reputation in the state of Illinois. We met with their licensing representative who then completed our home study. When you become licensed through DCFS to become a Foster parent, all of the courses, home studies, and other expenses are all covered by the state. If a child is placed with you, you will receive a board payment of about $400 on a montly basis for the care of your foster child. We planned to put the money we received in an account for the child that was placed with us so they could someday have a nest egg of their own.
Going through the education and learning about all of the challenges that foster children can have and learning about all of the successes that foster parents have had in raising these children, it was hard not to want to move forward and look toward placement.
As we went through the education and training, we learned that there are all sorts of foster parents to meet all types of needs. There are the traditional foster parents that agree to take children in as a fostering arrangement looking to serve the temporary needs of children as they work toward reunification with their biological family units. There are foster parents that specialize in infants acting as that first home while more permanent placement needs are sorted out. There are foster parents who open their homes up for respite or emergency care needs so the children can be placed there immediately following some sort of crisis or initial placement into the system. There are also “adopt only” homes, meaning that children are placed here only when the foster child’s parent’s rights have been terminated.
At the time we received our license, we decided that we couldn’t be a home that offered temporary or respite care for kids coming into DCFS in need. I was concerned about the effects of a revolving door of family change on our biological son. I thought it would be so hard for him to grow to love and know these children at his young age and then have them leave. I didn’t think that would be fair to him. Also, at that time, I was working full time and while most employers are very supportive of a family leave when a child is placed with you while you figure out day care, it was not something that could be a regular occurrence for me. When we are older or our son is older, we might be able to be of help in that way, but we were more interested in a permanent placement.
We felt it would be best to accept any child under the age of 6 years old. As it turned out, when DCFS is looking for homes for children, they first look to place within their zip code and make a strong effort to place within their school system. Because of where we live in the suburbs of Chicago, there are not a lot of school age children available for placements.
At first, we thought we would naturally be an “adopt only” home. Our ultimate goal was adoption through foster care but that is where it can get tricky. If you are only open to placements of children whose parental rights have been terminated, you could be limiting yourself because the foster parents who have the child have first say when adoption becomes the child’s goal.
When a child is placed into State care, there are two goals operating concurrently. The First is to work with the parents, when possible, to return the child home. The second is to work toward a permanent placement, guardianship or ultimately adoption out of DCFS. Typically, a child who is in DCFS guardianship will be in foster care for about a year before the parental rights are officially terminated and the child’s goal is changed from Return Home (Reunification) to Adoption.
During that year, the child could be placed in multiple foster homes. The more homes the child lives in, the more challenges they may face in the future. We thought it would be best to have a child placed with us as early in the process as possible which meant agreeing to take placement of a child whose parental rights have not yet been terminated. This was the idea behind DCFS changing some of the rules and adopting a concurrent planning philosophy years ago. While the state was helping parents work on reunification, a cautious back plan was in place with an eye toward permanency for that child as well. This was a hope for the best, but plan for the worst, scenario.
It was a risk, a gamble. I was terrified that I could not be strong enough for this scenario. What if the parents regain custody and we lose this little one we had grown to love? That would break my heart! But if you are going to try for the adoption of a child through foster care than that is a scenario that you have to make peace with. My husband and I decided that if that happened and the child we were fostering was returned home than of course we could be happy for them. If this child had a chance of living with their biological parents that could be present and were able to care for them lovingly, we would want that for every child. If taking this chance means we get our hearts broken then so be it. We were meant to be there for this child at this point in their life to provide that loving, safe-haven. (I did think that I could only do this once if it happened to us but first things first!)
Knowing the need, for us, there didn’t seem to be any other options except for adoption through foster care in the Child Welfare System. At that point, we weren’t sure if we would actually adopt a child (or children) but we knew we didn’t need to make that decision right away. We just needed to be in the position to make the choice.
In July 2008, our family became a licensed foster home by Child Link in the State of Illinois. And then, we waited. I was surprised that our phone wasn’t ringing off the hook. Where were all the children that needed homes? Then we got a call about a sibling group; four children under the age of 6 who needed a home. Unfortunately, this would have been too hard for our family. We then got a call about a 6-month-old boy, but it came after we had driven 8 hours up North for our annual summer vacation. I was beside myself! We would have had to drive back and pick the child up at Midway airport the next morning. My husband said it would be such a disappointment for our son if we were to tell him it was time to go home right away, especially since he had been looking so forward to this annual trip. That was a difficult decision. I was afraid this was the one and we would not have any more chances.
In our parenting training, we were taught it would be okay to say no to placements for various reasons. In fact, you should be prepared to not accept the first couple of placements that you may be presented with. With a heavy heart, we had to decline the placement. We found out later the child went to a single mom in Waukegan who had 3 other foster children with her because they could not find any foster parents to take him in.
In October 2008, my husband received another call about a healthy 5-week-old infant who had been taken into DCFS custody at birth, lived at the hospital for 2 weeks and then a foster home for the last 3 weeks. They were thinking this child could be a permanent placement due to the mother’s history and they called us. I was at a work conference and after several questions and clarifications back and forth, we made the final important decision over text. I drove the 3 hours home the next day and went on quite a shopping spree at Target to get ready for our baby girl. It was so surreal! I think the first couple of weeks we were in such shock. It had been 8 years since I had cared for an infant. My son reacted as to be expected. Luckily, there was only one moment that first weekend after she cried all during his soccer game that he insisted that we give her back and that he loved being an only child!! Since that moment, he has adjusted beautifully to the role of the older brother. I think the age difference helped in that there is no sibling rivalry.
From October 2008 to the present, over 2 years, it has been a wonderful experience. I can’t imagine a time when she wasn’t with our family. It has been such a gift to see our daughter develop and grow. The experience is so like any adopted family’s experience.
What is a little different is that there is a time period when you are fostering and have to live with an uncertain outcome, even though permanent placement seems highly likely. Though other adoptive parents that I know of have these same uncertainties about when they will get a call or when they can take their baby home, they know that once they have that child in their hands, he or she is theirs. With us, we went through a period where we prayed for the best outcome for the child and hoped that outcome would be the best for us as well. During our time fostering our adopted daughter, we had to meet on a monthly basis with a case manager, use the Medicaid system for her healthcare and immunizations, attend her court hearings, follow state guidelines for approved babysitting and get approval to take her out of state for vacations. In our case, however, there was an issue with DCFS having made mistake about her last name. This “mistake” extended, what should have been a fairly easy case, another year. Parental rights were eventually terminated October 2010, nearly two years after her placement with us.
At this point, we have secured an adoption attorney, whose services will be paid for by the state, and are on our way to adoption. We are now waiting our turn for papers to be completed, another complete home study and adoption hearings to be scheduled. The agency helps coordinate no-fee adoptions for its prospective parents, following state mandated background checks and home studies. When the parental rights were terminated, I really breathed a sigh of relief. That was a big step. That means she will not be returning back to her biological parent(s). That means she will be staying with us.
Has it been easy? Yes and no. We really tried to just expect the best and prepare mentally for the worst. We did have a moment after she had been with us for about a year where her mother resurfaced and was talking about getting her baby back. That was scary. We knew, intellectually, that her mother would have to go through such challenges and make a commitment to truly change her in order to being working on unification. Even though this possibility seemed unlikely, emotionally, it was such a scare.
When I talk to other foster parents who have gone on to adopt their children, many of them have had such moments, though situations might look different. It might happen that the biological parents are allowed visits during the foster time, which can be difficult and awkward. Or it might be ties to biological siblings or aunts or uncles or grandparents that can be challenging. We thought that given the reality of this world of divorces and blended families; we could handle unique family alliances. We have the gift of living in a blended family that doesn’t fit Norman Rockwell’s painting, and know that families can look and feel different.
So, while we have to experience stares and comments from strangers, we have ongoing work to do in helping our trans-racially adopted daughter grow up comfortable in her skin and with an appreciation of a culture that is new to us and all that goes with that. We would not trade this experience for the world. Saying yes to the baby steps and arriving upon this huge gift of our adopted daughter is like winning the lottery for us and our family in so many ways! I encourage families to look around and consider adoption through the Child Welfare System in their State as the first option to go to when looking at growing their families through adoption.
